People suck. Life’s hard. Everything is unfair usually. There’s no denying any of this. It’s hard to put a smile on your face and tell yourself, “it gets better. It has to get better. It can only get better from here.”
We’re creatures of social interaction. We crave it. Lately I’ve been feeling alone. There is a difference between being alone and lonely, the latter is my issue.
When I make a decision I would like my friends to back me up. There are some who do. Then there are some that pick neither side.
I still feel like I’m being punished for cutting a toxic person out of my life. A person who is still toxic towards. Who enjoys being toxic towards. Who revels in my misfortunes. Who not so long ago would have backed me up on anything within reason. There was an issue. I cut her away. I did what I thought was the right thing for me and I moved on with my life.
This person can’t. Which makes it harder for me. We have mutual friends. Friends I brought together.
But it’s me being punished.
I’m not a horrible person. I’m actually pretty sweet for the most part. But I question myself. I question if I really did the right thing. I mean if I had, I wouldn’t feel like I’m being punished right? I’m second guessing cutting a toxic person from my life because of other’s actions towards me.
I chatted with another friend and she kind of dropped a bomb on me that I hadn’t thought of:
“It’s hard for you to have friends, make friends, or keep them because you have this aura of confidence around you. Before you protest it’s not the ‘I’m hot shit’ aura. It’s ’I can fuck you so good I can make you see heaven.’ Confidence intimidates people. Insecure people lash out at confidence. I love you and I accept this about you but this is part of your issue. The fact that the sex or gender of your partner doesn’t bother you, that you’re pretty much good to go makes you a threat. Even though you act the same around both sexes it’s hard for them who don’t know you. Who don’t understand you. Who don’t know that you wear your sexuality like a shield to protect yourself. Men who have women can’t associate with you for long because the women end up hating you. You come off like a threat. And well we’ve been over women are intimidated by you.”
I didn’t know this about myself.
I mean I don’t have a whole lot of confidence, not when it comes to my appearance and possibly my self worth.
And when she first said it, it hurt a little.
I give off the whore/slut/easy vibe.
I’m not always that girl.
But I had shit happen in my life where I wear that like the brightest armor. I’ve been raped twice, non-violently but it was still rape never the same. I was molested as a child by not one but two different family members. The first time the person I told didn’t believe me. So I never told my mother. I was around five when it happened.
I was bullied in high school. I was the ugly girl. I spent a lot of time alone because I had people in my life but not really friends. That followed into college.
For a long time, after an ex, I didn’t date. I had my little black book. When I felt lonely I went out and found someone, or called up someone I knew. Because in those moments of physical pleasure I felt wanted. I felt loved. I could pretend that the fantasy was true. I couldn’t handle being in a relationship because I always love so deeply and it’s often never returned.
I have dated someone who gave me the world. I wasn’t good enough for it in my opinion. Maybe I felt it was too much. I needed a little chaos in the perfection. I felt like I was drowning.
I have trust issues so I don’t let many people close.
Words have power, choose them wisely. Actions speak louder than words.
The calm surface of the water hides the deadly current underneath.