People suck. Life’s hard. Everything is unfair usually. There’s no denying any of this. It’s hard to put a smile on your face and tell yourself, “it gets better. It has to get better. It can only get better from here.” 

We’re creatures of social interaction. We crave it. Lately I’ve been feeling alone. There is a difference between being alone and lonely, the latter is my issue. 

When I make a decision I would like my friends to back me up. There are some who do. Then there are some that pick neither side. 

I still feel like I’m being punished for cutting a toxic person out of my life. A person who is still toxic towards. Who enjoys being toxic towards. Who revels in my misfortunes. Who not so long ago would have backed me up on anything within reason. There was an issue. I cut her away. I did what I thought was the right thing for me and I moved on with my life. 

This person can’t. Which makes it harder for me. We have mutual friends. Friends I brought together.

But it’s me being punished. 

I’m not a horrible person. I’m actually pretty sweet for the most part. But I question myself. I question if I really did the right thing. I mean if I had, I wouldn’t feel like I’m being punished right? I’m second guessing cutting a toxic person from my life because of other’s actions towards me.

I chatted with another friend and she kind of dropped a bomb on me that I hadn’t thought of: 

“It’s hard for you to have friends, make friends, or keep them because you have this aura of confidence around you. Before you protest it’s not the ‘I’m hot shit’ aura. It’s  ’I can fuck you so good I can make you see heaven.’  Confidence intimidates people. Insecure people lash out at confidence. I love you and I accept this about you but this is part of your issue. The fact that the sex or gender of your partner doesn’t bother you, that you’re pretty much good to go makes you a threat. Even though you act the same around both sexes it’s hard for them who don’t know you. Who don’t understand you. Who don’t know that you wear your sexuality like a shield to protect yourself. Men who have women can’t associate with you for long because the women end up hating you. You come off like a threat. And well we’ve been over women are intimidated by you.”

I didn’t know this about myself. 

I mean I don’t have a whole lot of confidence, not when it comes to my appearance and possibly my self worth.

And when she first said it, it hurt a little. 

I give off the whore/slut/easy vibe.

I’m not always that girl.

But I had shit happen in my life where I wear that like the brightest armor. I’ve been raped twice, non-violently but it was still rape never the same. I was molested as a child by not one but two different family members. The first time the person I told didn’t believe me. So I never told my mother. I was around five when it happened. 

I was bullied in high school. I was the ugly girl. I spent a lot of time alone because I had people in my life but not really friends. That followed into college.

For a long time, after an ex, I didn’t date. I had my little black book. When I felt lonely I went out and found someone, or called up someone I knew. Because in those moments of physical pleasure I felt wanted. I felt loved. I could pretend that the fantasy was true. I couldn’t handle being in a relationship because I always love so deeply and it’s often never returned.

I have dated someone who gave me the world. I wasn’t good enough for it in my opinion. Maybe I felt it was too much. I needed a little chaos in the perfection. I felt like I was drowning. 

I have trust issues so I don’t let many people close. 

Words have power, choose them wisely. Actions speak louder than words.

The calm surface of the water hides the deadly current underneath.

Did a happy dance to the freezer to get some hot wings.

hotwingshotwingshtwingsawwwwwyissshotwingstastydeliciousspiceyhotwingsunfunfunfunfbluecheeseomnomnomhottttttttwiiiiiiiiiiiings

Pulled them out.

awwwwwwwwwwwwyiiiiiiiissssssss

Honey bbq

I was so crushed.

Proof of my Mayorship

• gotten really drunk
• been hit on by guys
• been hit on by strippers
• made out with a stripper
• got lap dances
• gave a lap dance
• got asked for my number by a stripper
• got drug to the bathroom by a stripper.
• made lots of friends
• stripper stops in the middle of her routine to introduce me to her roommate. “Roommate…this is my Redhead.”  ”This? This is your redhead?!” “Isn’t she pretty?!” “YES I was checking her out when she walked in!” “Did she tell you that we have a no redheads rule at the house?” Because we’re crazy right? I know we’re nuts. “No because I go nuts for fucking redheads.” I was called Red the rest of the night
• Got told I have a hell of a nice ass
• “Am I flirting with you?” Yes. “Do you like it?” I’m ignoring it. -Drunk guy at the bar
• Played pool
• Got felt up by strippers
• Was asked to give a lapdance with a stripper for her regular. #yolo Ended up doing two lap dances 
• “You don’t dance?” Nope. “Sweet mother of fucking god you should. Jesus you are Amazing at lap dances”
• “I want to take you home with me so I can fuck you with my boyfriend.”
• I nommed on a stripper boobie
• Stripper bit my nipple. Ow. 
• Squeals of excitement when I walked in and they realized I was back.
• When I came back the second time every time I saw a stripper they came over to gossip and girl talk with me. And sit on my lap. Ask me how I’ve been. 
• Gave a stripper a kiss on the cheek and there was an uproar of men. 
• Became the mayor on Foursquare. 

THESE ARE MY ADVENTURES AT STRIP CLUBS

You know we were having a perfectly nice conversation just getting to know each other. Then bam! Salty shit.

My loss? Sweetie I’m a 10 to your 4.

Blow me.

confirm or deny tumblr

And I just stand there planning each and every one of their deaths. 

I have really fun drunk adventures you guys.

So I drunkenly gave my number to a stripper last night. I think she texted me today but I don’t remember her name to verify. What is Ms. Manner’s stance on the proper way to ask “Are you the stripper from last night” without coming off like a total douchebag?

rain dances

Blue Badge.

Permanent Positon.

Three Days off a week. 

Working 12-11

I need this to happen :)

Don’t go into yhe long grass!! #raptors #jurassicpark #jurassicpark2 #lostworld