People suck. Life’s hard. Everything is unfair usually. There’s no denying any of this. It’s hard to put a smile on your face and tell yourself, “it gets better. It has to get better. It can only get better from here.”
We’re creatures of social interaction. We crave it. Lately I’ve been feeling alone. There is a difference between being alone and lonely, the latter is my issue.
When I make a decision I would like my friends to back me up. There are some who do. Then there are some that pick neither side.
I still feel like I’m being punished for cutting a toxic person out of my life. A person who is still toxic towards. Who enjoys being toxic towards. Who revels in my misfortunes. Who not so long ago would have backed me up on anything within reason. There was an issue. I cut her away. I did what I thought was the right thing for me and I moved on with my life.
This person can’t. Which makes it harder for me. We have mutual friends. Friends I brought together.
But it’s me being punished.
I’m not a horrible person. I’m actually pretty sweet for the most part. But I question myself. I question if I really did the right thing. I mean if I had, I wouldn’t feel like I’m being punished right? I’m second guessing cutting a toxic person from my life because of other’s actions towards me.
I chatted with another friend and she kind of dropped a bomb on me that I hadn’t thought of:
“It’s hard for you to have friends, make friends, or keep them because you have this aura of confidence around you. Before you protest it’s not the ‘I’m hot shit’ aura. It’s ’I can fuck you so good I can make you see heaven.’ Confidence intimidates people. Insecure people lash out at confidence. I love you and I accept this about you but this is part of your issue. The fact that the sex or gender of your partner doesn’t bother you, that you’re pretty much good to go makes you a threat. Even though you act the same around both sexes it’s hard for them who don’t know you. Who don’t understand you. Who don’t know that you wear your sexuality like a shield to protect yourself. Men who have women can’t associate with you for long because the women end up hating you. You come off like a threat. And well we’ve been over women are intimidated by you.”
I didn’t know this about myself.
I mean I don’t have a whole lot of confidence, not when it comes to my appearance and possibly my self worth.
And when she first said it, it hurt a little.
I give off the whore/slut/easy vibe.
I’m not always that girl.
But I had shit happen in my life where I wear that like the brightest armor. I’ve been raped twice, non-violently but it was still rape never the same. I was molested as a child by not one but two different family members. The first time the person I told didn’t believe me. So I never told my mother. I was around five when it happened.
I was bullied in high school. I was the ugly girl. I spent a lot of time alone because I had people in my life but not really friends. That followed into college.
For a long time, after an ex, I didn’t date. I had my little black book. When I felt lonely I went out and found someone, or called up someone I knew. Because in those moments of physical pleasure I felt wanted. I felt loved. I could pretend that the fantasy was true. I couldn’t handle being in a relationship because I always love so deeply and it’s often never returned.
I have dated someone who gave me the world. I wasn’t good enough for it in my opinion. Maybe I felt it was too much. I needed a little chaos in the perfection. I felt like I was drowning.
I have trust issues so I don’t let many people close.
Words have power, choose them wisely. Actions speak louder than words.
The calm surface of the water hides the deadly current underneath.
It can be hard. Not only do you have to deal with your normal relationship issues that people these days have but you also have other issues to deal with. Dysphoria, how it rears its ugly head at times. I can relate to a point due to my own body dysmorphia but even still I know I cannot truly understand what my partner is going through.
I want desperately to make my partner happy. I want him to look into the mirror and even though his dysphoria claws at him in the shadows, I want him to be happy as he can be. I hate that he thinks so little of himself. I hate that wonders why I’m with him.
I know that right now the world is cruel and science just isn’t there to give him what he needs, the body of a man. I try my best to be encouraging and sometimes I know I come off a little hard. I want him happy as possible though.
You see my significant other, my boyfriend, my love, he’s a transgender man but even in the world of transmen he’s not the norm. He wants a male body, he prefers to be referred to by male pronouns, and for all intents and purposes he identifies as male…but sometimes he identifies as agender, meaning not one gender or the other. This happens especially when his dysphoria is acting up.
He broods a lot and he wallows. I’m proud of him for the little steps that he’s taken. He says I make him a better man, I make him want to be a better man. I still want him to push himself. Because of his dysphoria and some very bad experiences he does the bare minimum to get by in life: he goes to work, comes home, occasionally hangs out with friends, talks to me. Rinse, wash, repeat. I told him I wanted him to stop talking about things that he wants to do and to start doing them. I told him I wanted him to start up a hobby again. I know how important it is to him to lose weight for the eventual top surgery he wants to have. To buy smaller binders. To buy proper fitting STP and harness.
I love him but I won’t let him just let life pass him by, he needs to live it. I won’t let his dysphoria get in the way of that.
When being a trans* significant other you have to be their rock sometimes. You have to remind them that you see without glasses of dysphoria. You have to remind them that they can’t wallow. You need to be supporting, smiles, and loving. It’s not an easy relationship. It’s not a simple relationship to have. To be a trans s/o can be extremely difficult. I know that I’m the kind of person that can give my transman the kind of love he needs. The kind he deserves. But I know it’s not an easy path to walk sometimes.
I love my trans* significant other.
He loves me with everything he has and the relationship I have with him is the best I’ve ever experienced.
Valentine’s Day was first introduced to Japan in 1936 and has become widely popular. However, because of a translation error made by a chocolate company, only women buy Valentine chocolates for their spouses, boyfriends, or friends. In fact, it is the only day of the year many single women will reveal their crush on a man by giving him chocolate. The men don’t return the favor until White Day, a type of “answer day” to Valentine’s Day, which is on March 14.
He has no idea that I’m posting this.
The reason for the ____ is because we don’t want to drop the L-bomb until we’re in person. The first time we say we want to be in each other’s arms
I know we’re sickeningly cute.
So here’s something sweet Le Boyfriend left me in fanmail form.
He’s so ridiculously sweet.
You should follow him.
I’m getting a present sometime this week from him. I have no idea what it is and it’s killing me. I can’t wait to get it.
